[The Chaser]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest;
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.You're not to see tha woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary' s and put $50 inthe poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put> any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and sccording to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

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There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for Ihave sinned.
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad psssionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest sighed, 'No, but it will wipe that stupid grin off of your face.'
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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priestand asked,
'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there'sno tellin what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Pat rick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
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An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm not, I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you sitting in my confessional telling me all this then?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody.'
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